Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
try to milk me bitch
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