I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I understand Curling. That high.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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