I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love