It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
