Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
