I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
