allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
