I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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