I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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