my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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