I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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