Moan for me like Helen Keller
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
