I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
