I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He has the fingertips of a God
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