Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
