shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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