I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
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