Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
wanna go halves on a baby?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
