My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
