Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
