There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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