I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
