Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
