I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
