I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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