if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
