I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
