Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
