at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I need to align my fucking chakras
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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