Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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