looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
