yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
