you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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