Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
