i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
