Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
