This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
