I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.