wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
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The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.