just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
