I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
