All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
