I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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