Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
