I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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