I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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