i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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