What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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