Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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