Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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