talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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