Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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