no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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