If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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