connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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