nutella sex= disaster
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
