Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
