It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
