I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
