My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
